Rooting in Relationships.

At some point or another, we have to really take a step back and evaluate how our relationship pattern flourishes and demises. Adamant about being a people pleaser, surely it was easy for someone to see “she won’t know she’s getting played, she’s too nice.” I have had my share of reality checks when it came to relationships. But what really set the tone is when I noticed how much it affects my friendships with people. To be honest, I’ve been selfish all these years to have believed if you had my back, you should have it through the ups and downs. That’s not how life works. At some point, you get tired of repetitive cycles. Just as in any relationship you both will change. For good or bad, the ultimate decision to stay is; yours.

For me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I used to milk the fact guys would come flocking. When I had my first heartbreak, that image shattered which since then, the revolving door of the same type of guys I went for carried on. It wasn’t until recently when my girlfriend of 11 years told me “I love you but something has to change.” It finally hit me. You will not grow into the woman you are meant to be by repeating the same shit you’ve been doing all this time. I had to take a step back and really evaluate myself and the personalities/qualities I would choose in a significant other. More importantly, gain knowledge on exactly what the hell possessed me to think I wasn’t worthy of what I knew I deserved. Why is that? Because back then to me, Words > actions. Crazy I know. 

As if for everything else in life. Decisions are made by you. I’ve let a lot of previous relationships control my emotions and self-worth solely because I shut down when it didn’t work. To me, that was the best way to cope with what I thought every time was a devastating loss. Not to mention I would vent to my friends but block them out because the truth was too much to bear. Seriously though? You really let a guy or a person for that matter, dictate your value and self-worth? GIRL SNAP OUT OF IT! I initially stopped writing because of a relationship. Over time I’ve gained the knowledge that Relationships are supposed to compliment you and make you better not hinder you from progression.

No man or woman can undermine your capabilities UNLESS you allow it. Basking in your emotions for a second is more than enough but a few days, weeks or months.. you’re selling yourself short. How is it that some of us honestly believe we can’t make it without having a physical being by our side or in our life? That’s when you would really need to dig deep and see what happened in previous years which allowed you to settle for mediocre. Not to mention, your real friends will give you the hardcore truth & you have to stop running from it. Embrace it and use it towards your growth.

We are too hard on ourselves at times. How can we ever feel like we aren’t worthy enough of whatever it is we want just because some guy/girl couldn’t handle real and geniality  (you) which made us feel less than? We become rooted in what we allow. Not just in relationships but in life. I really thought “positive thoughts equals a positive life” was so cliche but it really is true. It’s not something that with a snap of a finger will change. It takes consistency, the effort of self and patience. Prayer. Y’all, prayer, and belief are so powerful! 

Respect your process and stay afloat. The comparison game really is deadly so stray away from doing so. Where you are is just fine but don’t stay there. You mean so much to those that love you, more importantly, God is still using you, love. Own it. Embrace it. Love you for you. Love through the pain. Most importantly, continue growing. The bounce back is stronger than the setback. Know that!

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May we know them, may we own them.. issues of oneself

I was asked to write regarding relationships, and I have before but I wasn’t as detailed as I will be in this post. I think just about all of us can admit we haven’t always owned up to our part in the mutual demise of a relationship. I can admit being that my support system is few and far in-between, through time I relied on a relationship to be my foundation for support. Also, feeling that way has been my biggest obstacle with obtaining true love and gaining a supporter. We are biologically inclined to be with someone, to have that companionship and togetherness. But, what we are not inclined to do is makeshift. We don’t make things or  people want us. What is for us will only be for us.

Often times I get asked why am I not in a relationship. Ironically, I thought that was a compliment, only because at that time I felt like I had no fault in being single. At that point in my life, the last thing I was concerned with was being with someone. 

Having dated the father of my son, it made me think that I could have it all -- a career, husband and being a mother.  Life didn’t happen that way.  Rushing has got to be the leading cause of most failed relationships aside from other factors. We rushed. I was broken prior to meeting him and he knew that. I should have mourned the loss of my previous boyfriend who died trying to stop a fight at a local party. Had I healed fully, I would have seen the red flags more clearly than I did. Now don’t get me wrong, my son was the best thing that came out of that relationship aside from, the lessons that it taught me. 

I pride myself in knowing and believing that I'm good being alone. It’s taken failed relationships for me to realize you cannot force what is not meant to be. Also, accountability for your part (in certain instances.) it’s easier said than done, but for me, it takes life to happen for me to learn. You can tell me and teach me all day but I’m an observer. Visual learner, I see things and I learn -- I experience things and I learn. Prior to moving back home recently, I promised myself that my focus would not be on a relationship. Because my success, my future and my son’s livelihood are worth so much more.

Self-love is truly the best love.  Another issue that comes to mind of not  having obtained a long-term committed relationship that lead to marriage is not having resolved previous relational issues. These microwavable relationships that are exposed on social media have set false hope.

When you love you, it shows.

At the end of the day, you cannot rely on these happy faces you see online. People choose to show you at their best moment in which you truly cannot know what they're going through. There are also couples who just have great communication skills in which their union flows. You cannot compare what you have to what someone else has. The comparison game will do nothing more than drain you emotionally.

Being genuinely happy alone is not a bad thing. We won't always have answers for everything though you should still embrace experiences and the growth that comes with it. Still trying to figure life out, still learning.

Change what you’re used to so you can accept what you need 💙
-Patricia H.

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#helloOctober

Hey Guys!

Can you believe its already October?! I know I'm 10 days late in asking but seriously!!! This year has seriously flown by so fast and I am NOT even half prepared for it. My son turns 4 next month and do you think this mama made plans? LOL. Not even close. Not to mention Christmas right after. I've saw online these #helloOctober hashtags with beautiful fall colors, food, drinks and all of falls glory (my favorite season..ever) and I wanted to do something different.

I'd like to be more present in each season. Normally I'd write about how I'm feeling or what recently happened in the past few days, but, this season has had it's fair share of some okay, good, great, shitty and horrid moments. I'm thankful for it all. Most thankful because it taught me how to literally be still. Enjoy right now. I've been at home with my son and doing home preschool since due to his birth date, he cannot enroll until next year, and let me tell you, my baby boy is advanced (thank you Jesus!). He loves to count numbers (up to 100 so far) and telling me about different animals. So what I intend to do is take him out on more nature walks and do some exploring. I hope he doesn't ever lose his sense of wanting to know about everything.

I found some cute ideas on Pintrest for my moms who are thinking of starting their own at home preschools!

These are some great ideas at a reasonable cost (this mama stays on a budget lol). There will plenty of people against homeschool, but people will have an opinion about you as well as your parenting until the day you die. Do what you know is best for your child. With all thats going on in this world, don't ever stop thinking you can't go above and beyond for their safety. I didn't ever think I would want to homeschool any of my kids, but, the one on one interaction I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. It also helps him get on a schedule so that if and when I decide he goes to public or private school, he will be set to arrive.. on time lol. Let me know what you guys think!

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A Black Women's Dilemma

For years, I would contemplate on just how vulnerable I could allow myself to be. My mother and grandmother, 2 beautiful black women, were built tough. If they were ever going through anything internally, you couldn't tell. Being a black woman in America has always been hard. You would think by now, we would be celebrated or even accepted as women, and not just by race. Unfortunately, that’s still not the case. We must work 3x as hard as others, we mustwear a smile while carrying out our corporate America personality at work, and carry the weight of whatever we have going on at home. Doing this all without showing any signs of weakness. As a black woman, we know that showing weakness is ammunition for those who wish us ill will. We can't let that happen! Or can we?

When you read about suicides, most of the time the race of that person is white. Little do we know, that African and American Indians are more likely to attempt and commit suicide than whites. Per NAMI statistics, 28.3% of American Indians, 18.6% of blacks, 16.3% of Hispanics, and 13.9% of Asians live with a mental illness and don't know it.

To date back in time, the black generation was built to overcome adversity and maintain strength throughout life's courses.  We were told to never tell anyone our family business, especially those outside the home or of another ethnicity. I've always questioned why we can’t trust someone else other than family (who more than likely will lead you astray faster than a random person), your preacher if you're raised religious or even a non-biological family member your parent(s) approved you to trust.

Being raised in a Black home, my parents made it clear that we were not to speak on our issues to outsiders. I always wondered why we couldn't talk to our closest friends about things. While in high school, I learned quickly that blacks must maintain constant toughness. If you didn’t you would have the hardest time getting through life. I tend to digress. It wasn't until situations happened where I'd shut down, that I realized there was a problem. It wasn't just when major life events or when deaths occurred, it was for smaller issues. I heard from   family and friends that I was not capable of having a meltdown. They told me it was because "we are better than that nor are we weak in any aspect of the word." How? How the fuck am I not good enough to shut down? Why is it not okay to not be okay? We are human.

I've had my own experience with depression and anxiety. Accepting it was harder than speaking on it. I was more embarrassed to have a mental health issue, than I was to talk about it. Crazy, right? After years, have passed, I realized you define who you are. Not people, a career, a man, your children or a mental issue. YOU define YOU.

Once I found my trigger points, I made sure to stay away from people and things that would offset my depression. It's a slight struggle, in comparison to the years before, where it was a constant struggle. But I'm okay with that. My goal is for other people to be okay with it as well. Being strong 24/7 is exhausting!  I feel a hell of a lot better after I release what's wrong, even when there is no solution. It may feel as if your life is over and you won't ever find someone to accept you for you, flaws and all. That's just simply not true. I have and you surely will too.

I've come to realize it is okay to not be okay. What's not okay is sitting in those feelings and letting it take over who you were before. Tell that mental shit we are bonded for life, but you don't run me. I do.

All that those who are suffering from a mental illness/disease want, is someone to hear us out and genuinely care. You may not know what to do but that's perfectly okay. Most of the time it’s not expected that you have a solution. More so, it is letting us know that there is someone that gives a damn and feels our life is worthy. When you easily walk away and don't talk it out and gain understanding of the problem, that does more harm than good. I am a Black woman who suffers from major depressive anxiety. Do not define me by this diagnosis, for it does not run my life. Define me by my character, and how I've persevered through life’s circumstances while being a great mom to my number one priority; my son. I used to think vulnerability was a form of weakness when it’s a true form of strength.

September 10-16 is Suicide Awareness. If you feel you may know someone suffering, be their ear and help them. Or text RESIST to 50409 

BY PATRICIA HOLLIS

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I gave up.. then gave in..

Hey y'all!

It's been a while. A good 3 month hiatus from blogging, writing and creating. Depression set in. Life happened. Before I get started, I want to apologize for the lack of post. This has been one of my greatest outlets so for me to just leave instead of apply more, should tell you it has been that bad. The picture below was taken the day before I was served court papers.

So let me explain first. I've mentioned before and if I haven't I will now, that I'm a single mom, working full-time & in school full-time 2 semesters away from graduating. I am not on any state assistance and have not received child support for a longgg while. Needless to say, money has been super tight. Now we all have bills, that is a given. Some bills you can rob Peter to pay Paul and some.. you just have to pay that bad boy. Back in late may, my car was repossessed. I got it back, thank God for friends who are like family. I was still caught up in a financial bind having had to pay my Aunt back while keeping up with other bills. All of what my son and I have comes from me busting my ass. I was renting at my oldest brothers house since 2014 but was evicted due to non-payment. Yes guys, my blood brother had me evicted from his house over 2 months of not paying. Mind you, it wasn't consistent. 6 month difference but clearly money is more important than understanding your sister who's in school and working full-time with a 3 year old aka your nephew, is having a hard time but I digress. I could see if I was splurging and spending money on bullshit or not caring for my child though there are just some cold hearted people in this world still. I was heartbroken and upset at first, especially because hello this is supposed to be my brother, a guy who used to protect me and have my back. Also because I felt that my mom who was also living there became more mute. Just silenced on this, and as a mom I get it that you don't want to be caught in the middle but I'll be damned if Neko every did this to any of his future siblings. You just don't do that to your own or anybody, period. What goes around comes around. I have no problem admitting when I am wrong but I did absolutely nothing wrong. Unless you count falling short but, if you do, you're just as delusional as he is if you believe that's not valid. There are clearly deep rooted issues he may have, while at this point I'm uninterested in resolving any. My main focus is my son, blogging and expanding my brand reaching you all being any help I can.

Through all I've been through these past few months, I've honestly not ever been more present. Present in how I analyze what is transpiring, how to handle life without allowing my emotions to make decisions for me. Most importantly with being okay knowing all i truly have is God and my son on my side. I trust no one. I don't welcome sympathy. Instead, I want you to know that no matter what the hell you have going on, no matter how bad someone is hurting you right now or has, get your ass up and push through with everything you have left in you. Don't allow any one or thing else to leave you stagnant and complacent in this misery. WE are better than that. I'm currently not in the state he owned his home and no worries, we have a temporary place. & in the midst of all this madness, I landed a job with a well-known quote company where I will publish weekly articles regarding mental health as well as minority mental health!

I hope by me being away for these months shows you that we all have our own shit going on and granted, we are to use our outlets to subside these issues, sometimes we do and we will fall short. You cannot stay there on the ground. You will kill yourself before you even plan to. My heart is completely and utterly in this to help you. So please don't give up. I hope you enjoyed this post and have a great rest of the week!

xo

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Back to Reality!

In the weeks it's been since my last post, I've come full circle to what this blog intends to mean to me and hopefully others. Support and change. When you first start a project that you hope sheds light to a topic that needs to be addressed, there are doubts and roadblocks towards success. 

I've doubted my ability to produce a foundation that sets a connection to other minorities like myself who didn't have the voice of saying "I need a friend. I need someone who truly has my back without judgement. Someone that understands there really are food and bad days out of my control." And ultimately the friend I ended up having was always with me; God. I don't intend to spike religion on here whatsoever I just want you all to know I would not be here without him. 

When you're dealing with anything related to the minority demographic, there are so many people that believe this is a putty party, why can't y'all just leave the past where it is, the topics you want to discuss aren't valid issues. And I ended up believing what I was told for a few moments. But you know what, the problem with what they're saying is I HEARD them, but I didn't UNDERSTAND them. What they were truly saying was "all your people do is complain and not make change. We don't care about your issues nor do we want to see you shine above us." 

I'll be damned. I'll be damned if another day goes by where credit isn't given where it's due. I'll be damned if I keep letting the devil attack me and mines from success and oppression. I'll be damned if another materialistic want has more control over my need of fixation than the reality of truly is needed comfort and growth.

I don't want you guys to think that just because someone is doing better than you are IN THIS VERY MOMENT that you won't ever climb taller. In the sermon today at church Bishop Jakes spoke the gospel that in fact, you shouldn't be jealous that someone is doing better because they're actually planted in your life to prepare you for where God has intended you to be. Jealously is a sin, and if you continue to feed that sin, you will stay stagnant. Now, I wasn't raised religious at all and I'm not saying I am now. I'm still learning the gospel and growing as a God fearing woman, but God has proven time and time again even to non-believers that if you trust in what he tells you to do, he will exceed your expectations!

He is showing my favor lately and I owe it to serve His purpose He has for me. I'm here to serve those who don't have anyone to turn to. Who feel stuck. Who something is wrong and can't figure it out. This blog was intended to voice on mental illness and awareness which it still will, but I've also said the door is open to discuss LIFE as well. I'm here, so is He.

I hope you all have a safe Memorial weekend and remember it is dedicated to those who risked their lives for our safety. 

Love & Light,

Tricia

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the Minority Mans perspective

Hey y'all! I hope you've had a good weekend and a not so rough Monday! Today I wanted to talk about what I've been up to as far as being MIA. Finals are approaching (thank the Lord because I'm over this semester) annnnnd I've actually been working towards some other projects. One specifically being reaching out the the vast majority of men I'm close to or grew up with getting their insight perspective on why it is they don't really speak on mental health/illness.

Now let me tell you. In our community, it's not known to be vulnerable and open. I had a few that didn't respond which is totally okay. For the ones that did I was humbled, nevertheless surprised. You really don't know anything about ANYTHING until you ask questions. I'm so happy I did. And even more stoked I got answers. We go hard for our me . Whether it's a sibling, cousin, friend, significant other, spouse.. but do we really truly understand what they're feeling at times?

It surprised me that most of the responses I got were lack of male figures in the community especially when they didn't have a set male in their life to begin with. Another reason was society's standards for Black and Latino/Hispanic men. Black men are known to be aggressive and unapproachable. Latino/Hispanic are known to be incompetent while clueless. For these men I know to tell me they've been told that or have consistently heard that broke my heart.

Even going as far as "if we really opened up to the world let alone a white therapist you gotta know they'd use that vulnerability to try and tarnish black men even more. That's why you only see women or black women speak on certain topics and the men that attack them for talking truth are the main ones that need counseling and healing."

How in the hell.. no better yet only an insecure fool would label some of the most strong minded men such fabricated BS. 

I have a few of my guys who agreed to make a YouTube video about it. Which is taking a while because clearly we don't all live in the same state so give me some time y'all I PROMISE you're going to need and want to hear this. If any of you are interested in speaking or even putting in word of your thoughts/feelings/opinions on this, email me at mindfulofminorities@gmail.com. I cannot wait for you guys to read this in-depth blog more so the video we are creating. Thank you for your patience ♥️

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